Kids Grieve Differently; Supporting our Littlest Grievers

Kids grieve differently.

Their age shapes how they make sense of loss, but make no mistake, children grieve from a very young age, even when they don't have the words for it.

I watch this unfold in my work all the time. A three-year-old who keeps asking where Grandpa is. A seven-year-old who suddenly won't go to school. A ten-year-old who's angry at everyone and doesn't know why.

The urge to protect

What I often see is adults trying to shield kids from grief. It makes sense. Grief is painful and confusing, and we want to protect them. So we avoid the topic or use euphemisms and stories that end up making things more confusing for our littlest grievers.

We say things like:

• 'They've gone to sleep.'

• 'We lost them.'

• 'They're watching over you from heaven.'

• 'They've gone on a long trip.'

  
  

We mean well. We're trying to soften the blow.

But here's what happens:

Kids know something is up, even when they don't know what. They sense the heaviness, the change in routine, the tears we try to hide. And when we're vague or use confusing language, we leave them to fill in the gaps themselves, often with ideas far more frightening than the truth.

A child who's told Grandma has 'gone to sleep' might become terrified of bedtime. One who hears 'we lost them' might wonder why nobody is looking harder.

Kids Grieve Differently

Our job as grown-ups

Our job as grown-ups is to help children build a framework for loss, to help them make sense of what's happened. When we do this well, we set them up to grieve well into their future.

This doesn't mean overwhelming them with details they're not ready for. It means being honest in age-appropriate ways. It means creating safety while allowing space for the hard feelings.

Children are far more resilient than we give them credit for, especially when they're supported with clarity and love.

What helps

🪷Be clear about what's happened in child-appropriate language

'X died. Their body stopped working. We won't get to see them again.'

🪷Use simple, concrete words. Avoid euphemisms that create confusion. Children need to understand the permanence of death in a way that matches their developmental stage.

For very young children, you might need to explain what 'died' means: 'Their body stopped working. Their heart isn't beating anymore. They can't breathe, eat, or feel pain. They're not coming back.'

🪷Make space for the feelings that come with this truth

'It's okay if this makes you sad, or angry, or if it doesn't make sense.'

🪷Name the emotions you see. Validate whatever they're feeling, including seemingly 'inappropriate' responses like giggling or wanting to play. Children process grief in bursts, moving in and out of their feelings.

Let them know that all feelings are okay. There's no wrong way to feel.

🪷Allow questions, and often the same questions over and over again

'Is there anything you'd like to ask me?'

Children often need to hear the same information multiple times as they work to understand it. They might ask 'Where is Grandma?' every day for weeks. This isn't them forgetting. It's them processing.

Answer patiently, even when it's the tenth time. Each time they ask, they're building their understanding.

🪷Help them feel safe and secure

'X's body stopped working. My body is okay, your body is okay. We are safe. I'm here for whatever you want to tell me, ask me, however you feel. I can handle it.'

When someone dies, children naturally worry about their own safety and the safety of the people they love. Reassure them explicitly that you're here, you're healthy, and they're safe.

Most importantly, let them know you can handle their big feelings. Children often hold back because they're worried about making the adults in their life more upset.

How grief shows up in children

The younger the child, the more confusing this will be.

Young children don't have the emotional vocabulary or cognitive development to process grief the way adults do. Instead, they'll use play to explore their questions. You might see them act out funerals with their toys, or repeatedly 'kill' and 'revive' characters in their games.

They may also act out behaviourally. Tantrums, clinginess, regression (like bedwetting or baby talk), trouble sleeping, or sudden aggression are all normal grief responses in children.

This is all normal, and incredibly challenging.

The biggest gift we can give

One of the biggest gifts we can give our littlest grievers is honesty about what's happened, and sitting in the hard stuff with them.

Not fixing it. Not rushing past it. Just being present.

Sometimes the biggest work is supporting the adults to be okay, so the little ones can be okay too.

When we can hold space for our own grief while still showing up for our children, when we can answer their questions honestly even when it hurts, when we can say 'I'm sad too' and still be their safe place, we teach them something profound.

We teach them that grief is something we can survive. That hard feelings don't break us. That love continues, even when someone is gone.

If you need help with this, please reach out. I support both the big people and the little people from 5+.

Because when we support children through grief with honesty and tenderness, we give them tools they'll carry for a lifetime.

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