The Brain's Four Core Needs and the Impact of Grief

Hi there, and thanks for being here. I want to share something with you that might just change the way you see grief.

When we experience loss, the pain can feel overwhelming and confusing, but there's a powerful explanation for it rooted in how our brains are wired, according to the work of Neuropsychotherapist Klaus Grawe.

Grawe's theory suggests that our brains are driven by four core needs that are fundamental motivators. When these needs are consistently met, we feel calm, centred, and safe. But when they are disrupted, our nervous system sounds an alarm, and we experience distress. This is a key reason why grief is so painful; it tends to interrupt at least one, if not all, of these needs at the same time.

Let's explore each of these four core needs, as defined by Grawe, and how they are impacted by loss.

The Four Core Needs and Their Disruption

• Control:

  Grawe emphasizes our brain's need for a sense of predictability and agency. We want to feel confident that we can influence our lives and understand our environment. When a loss occurs, whether it's a loved one, a job, or a home, our world is suddenly unpredictable. The very ground beneath us can feel unsteady, leading to feelings of anxiety, fear, and helplessness.

  
  

• Attachment: 

  According to Grawe, our drive to form and maintain close, meaningful relationships with others is a deep-seated survival instinct. Secure attachments provide comfort, belonging, and a sense of shared reality. When a relationship ends, through death, separation, or a major life change, that attachment is severed. This doesn't just feel lonely; it sends a powerful shock through our system, leaving us feeling adrift and isolated, a core component of the grief experience.

  
  

• Pleasure and Aversion to Pain: 

  This need is all about our brain's reward system, which Grawe links directly to our well-being. We are naturally driven to seek out experiences that feel good and avoid those that cause harm. Grief, by its very nature, is painful. The emotional pain is a signal that a core part of our well-being has been severely damaged. The very things that once brought us joy might now feel empty, and the world can lose its color and vibrancy.

  
  

• Self-Esteem: 

  This need is tied to our identity and sense of self-worth. It's about feeling valued by others and having a positive self-image. When a loss happens, it can challenge our identity in profound ways, as Grawe's work explains. We might question who we are without the person we lost, what our purpose is, or why this happened to us. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, shame, and a loss of confidence.

Seeing Grief Through a New Lens

When you look at your own grief or the grief of others through the lens of these four needs, as defined by Grawe, you start to see the experience more holistically. The anger you feel might be a result of a loss of control. The deep loneliness isn't just a feeling; it's a natural response to a severed attachment. The sheer exhaustion and pain are signals that your nervous system is in crisis.

This perspective can help you sit with the messiness and complexity of grief. It can also give you a clue about where support might be most needed, whether from friends, family, or professionals who can help you navigate this difficult time.

You are not alone in this. Your experience is valid, and there is support available.🪷

Reference:

Grawe, K. (2007). Neuropsychotherapy: How the neurosciences inform effective psychotherapy. Routledge.